


hazy

by huangrenjun



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Murder, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-08
Updated: 2017-12-08
Packaged: 2019-02-12 07:16:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12954114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/huangrenjun/pseuds/huangrenjun
Summary: renjun doesn't know how to occupy the empty space he feels inside.





	hazy

**Author's Note:**

> X TRIGGER WARNING X
> 
> this work includes/mentions depression, self-harm, suicide, and things of the like. this is more of a vent fic than anything, so forgive me if personalities don't exactly match. please don't read this if you are uncomfortable by the things it contains.
> 
> feel free to point out any mistakes and please provide suggestions on how to make my writing better.
> 
> i'm not very experienced, so forgive me if it isn't very good.
> 
> enjoy.

renjun doesn't know how to feel.

 

 

 

there's school, self doubt and insecurities, jeno, and all these other thoughts running through his mind on a constant repeat, similar to that of a broken record. his thoughts blur together, creating an indistinguishable mess. or rather, they don't.

 

 

thank god for mark. that boy always manages to help him get his shit together.

 

 

 

unfortunately, there are some things renjun can't tell mark.

 

 

 

for example, the events that go down on the first friday night (or should he say, saturday morning) of every month at 3:17 AM.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

renjun is really trying.

 

 

 

 

school is rough.

 

 

 

he reminisces of his days he spend in grade school when he was at the top of both the academic and social pyramid. well, that surely isn't the case now.

 

 

 

nowadays, he spends his time drawing and painting in the art room whilst countless overdue assignments pile up. poor mark has been overworking himself with student council lately, so renjun can't just make mark do his work for him like he usually does.

 

 

 

his teachers pity him. he knows they think that if he puts in the effort, he could go far, but as far as he believes, it's useless.

 

 

 

but whatever, renjun is fine with it.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

renjun doesn't really feel anything lately.

 

 

 

 

he used to stress out about assignments (despite knowing he'll never do them). he used to feel sad about things (jeno didn't smile at him today, mark was busy, he was ugly). he used to feel excitement run through his veins whenever he came up with a new idea for an art piece (now he just draws because there is nothing better to do). he used to enjoy singing (that is, until his throat started to go dry no matter how much water he had chugged).

 

 

 

he used to do a lot of things.

 

 

 

but, it's whatever.

 

 

 

 

he feels nothing now. and it doesn't bother him.

 

 

 

 

now it's all hazy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

he thinks he might be depressed.

 

 

 

 

mark brought it up a few days ago while renjun was scribbling in an old notebook of his.

 

 

 

"are you okay? like, are you actually okay? no bullshitting me either, renjun." mark had said.

 

 

 

"I don't know." renjun had replied.

 

 

 

"well," the other sighed, "renjun, don't you think you might have a... problem? I mean, just lately... you haven't really cared much or... done anything. I know you weren't like that before."

 

 

 

"I don't know. maybe."

 

 

 

"renjun, I think you're depressed. I'm going to make it my mission to find out why." mark had left after that, leaving renjun in a blurry, confused yet understanding state.

 

 

 

did he have a problem? he didn't know.

 

 

 

 

but mark knows most things, so he's probably right.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

renjun doesn't know when it started.

 

 

 

 

 

no, that's a lie.

 

 

 

 

it started when jeno broke up with him.

 

 

 

"hey, renjun. we need to talk." jeno had said. renjun found his actions strange. for some reason, seeing jeno act nervous made him nervous too.

 

 

 

renjun wrung his hands together and said, "yes, jeno? what is it?"

 

 

 

 

"I don't think we... this... is working out." jeno replied.

 

 

 

 

renjun understood what he meant, but refused to acknowledge it.

 

 

 

 

"what do you mean?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"renjun, I'm breaking up with you." and that was it.

 

 

 

 

jeno just left.

 

 

 

 

 

renjun thinks it was at that moment that something died in him.

 

 

 

 

that it was at that moment when the world went hazy.

 

 

 

black and white.

 

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

renjun started experimenting. he saw online that sometimes people handled... this... feeling... by cutting open their skin. apparently, it helps 'bring you back to reality' and that the pain is a 'distraction'. he guesses he'll give it a try.

 

 

 

renjun held up the blade to his skin, but before it caused any damaged, he stopped. personally, he thought the concept was quite stupid. he knows he has a low pain tolerance. he knows he doesn't have bandages. he knows mark would worry. and he knows it would only cause more trouble than help.

 

 

 

 

off to a new method, renjun thinks.

 

 

 

he tries starving himself, but he doesn't get very far. he only lasts about three hours before he's craving more macaroni and cheese, and he's back to his unhealthy eating habits.

 

 

 

renjun doesn't know what else to do. after all, he had put very little effort into doing research, and even when he did, the only thing that came up from google was inspirational messages and other dumb shit. what a waste of his time.

 

 

 

renjun results to just sitting in silence. sometimes he listens to music, sometimes he doesn't. sometimes he's on his phone, sometimes he isn't.

 

 

 

 

slowly, his mind wanders back to jeno. he had seen the younger in the hall recently, laughing and holding hands with his new boyfriend, jaemin, being much happier with him than he had ever been with renjun.

 

 

 

maybe renjun was jealous. maybe.

 

 

 

it was quite a nice change from the hazy thoughts recently.

 

 

 

 

- 

 

 

 

 

renjun decides he wants to drop out.

 

 

 

there's no one except mark to stop him. his parents had abandoned him years ago, but they sent him money every few months and paid for his apartment, so it was fine with him. he never really liked them much anyways.

 

 

 

they didn't care.

 

 

 

 

so renjun does drop out.

 

 

 

 

now at least he doesn't have to face the sight of jeno with his new boyfriend, and he doesn't have to bother mark to do his work for him.

 

 

 

 

"renjun, are you sure this is a good idea?" mark asks him one time he visits renjun's apartment.

 

 

 

 

"yeah. why wouldn't it be?" he replies without looking away from the ceiling, folding his arms behind his head.

 

 

 

"i mean, don't you think this would only make everything worse?" mark says as he scratches his neck nervously.

 

 

"no. if anything, i think i'm getting better."

 

 

"oh, okay." mark sighs in defeat. 'there's no use', he thinks.

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

mark was definitely right.

 

 

 

 

renjun was bored out of his mind.

 

 

 

after lazing about for over six hours, he decided to find a new hobby.

 

 

 

perhaps something exciting.

 

 

renjun will do anything to get rid of the boredom that had been integrating into his bones.

 

 

maybe his new hobby will make him feel something.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

renjun decides to leave his house.

 

 

 

he is walking past a dark alley when he suddenly hears a loud screech and a thump that follows, causing him to let out a small squeak out of surprise. dismissing it as just an alley cat, he continues walking.

 

 

 

finally, he reaches his destination: a small nighttime cafe located on a corner not far from the library and city hall.

 

 

 

entering, he decides to purchase a cappuccino. 

 

 

 

out of the corner of his eye, he sees jeno and jaemin giggling in a booth. truly sickening.

 

 

 

what are they doing? aren't they supposed to be at school? 

 

 

renjun glances around before his eyes finally settle on a clock, the time showing 11:30 PM.

 

 

right, it's friday.

 

 

well, whatever. renjun decides to hang around the area for a little while as he knows he will never be able to go to sleep this early.

 

 

'oh, the new hobby. i almost forgot', renjun thinks after wandering around for about three hours.

 

 

with him, renjun has numerous cans of spray paint. 'i should've brought more colors', he thinks.

 

 

deciding the alley he had seen before would be the most suitable place for where he was about to paint, as there were no cameras to catch him in his act of vandalism, he briskly walked in the alley's direction.

 

 

 

before he starts to spray the gray paint across the red brick wall, renjun hears loud laughter near the entrance of the alley.

 

 

recognizing the voice that follows afterwards, he relaxes. it's only jeno.

 

 

 

it's only jeno.

 

 

it's only jeno and jaemin.

 

 

 

jaemin suddenly turns, hearing rushing footsteps coming towards him. he stops, but jeno keeps walking, rambling on and not even noticing the boy being missing from his side.

 

 

frantically, jaemin glances around, searching for the source of the sound.

 

 

before he can leave, he feels something tugging him forcefully towards an alley.

 

 

to confused to scream, jaemin is pulled out of sight.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

"breaking news: stabbed body found in alley not far fro-" renjun shuts off the television before he could hear the rest of the sentence.

 

 

 

 

mark was over to work on homework and check up on renjun.

 

 

 

"hey, turn that back on! I want to see what's going on!" mark yells.

 

 

 

"nope, you have to work." renjun replies.

 

 

 

"fine." mark says, but renjun can hear a faint mutter of "dickhead."

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

the murders continue to take place each month.

 

 

 

 

the second month, a fifteen year old boy names park jisung was found killed near an alley by the skate park downtown.

 

 

 

the third month, a boy named zhong chenle was found in an alley not far from his academy.

 

 

 

the fourth month, it was another young man named lee donghyuck. his body was found in an alley near the entertainment venue.

 

 

these murders continued, month after month.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

at the scene of all the murders, one thing was found.

 

 

 

 

 

in big, bold letters, the word "hazy" was written in gray spray paint.

 

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

"renjun, I wish you wouldn't go out so much, what with all these murders going around." mark said to renjun one afternoon.

 

 

 

"mark, it's fine. as long as we stick together we'll me alright." renjun replied.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

that night, a man in his late teens named mark lee was killed.

 

 

 

"hazy" was found at the crime scene once again.

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

renjun decides to call up jeno one day.

 

 

"hey, renjun." 

 

 

 

 

"jeno." renjun replied.

 

 

"do you ever... do you ever miss mark? I mean, I know I miss jaemin but... do you miss mark?"

 

 

"no," renjun replied with a straight face. "but why miss jaemin when you'll see him soon?"

 

 

"what? renjun, he's dead."

 

 

"i know. but i also know that everything will turn out right in the end. trust me, you won't miss him for long."

 

 

"okay, renjun. whatever you say."

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

"renjun? where are we going." jeno says, confusion evident on his face.

 

 

 

"ah, just somewhere i visit every so often."

 

 

 

 

 

"hazy? why is that there? did you put it there, renjun?"

 

 

 

 

 

"renjun?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"renjun!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

renjun looks up the blue and red lights start to approach.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"i didn't feel anything." renjun murmurs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"i didn't feel anything!" this time with a scream.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"sir! put your hands up! sir!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

renjun grinned emptily as he raised the gun to his forehead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"sir! sir put the gun down! sir, i said put the gun down!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

maybe this will make him feel something.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

" _the murderer has been caught. he went by the name of huang renjun or rather, hazy._ "

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! if you could leave your thoughts on how I did or how I could make this better, that would be great.
> 
> im not very satisfied with how this was written, so i may make changes to it in the future.
> 
> what should I do next?
> 
>  
> 
> (and by this being a vent fic, i didnt mean that i was a murderer lmao)


End file.
